On avoidance

 Have you ever been sat on a bus or train, when a small child decides, unprovoked, to stare you down?

Turning around in their seat, eyes fixed, mouth open. Absolutely fascinated by your face, maybe your piercings, more likely an enormous spot on your chin.

You have no idea how to acknowledge this child - if you return eye contact, they could cry (bad), they could laugh (worse), their parent might accuse you of being a nonce (never happened but still a real fear). 

So you just have to stare at your phone, look out the window, do anything but look in the kid’s direction.

Avoidance is the way out.

I’m not an alcoholic, but I can see off a bottle of red wine without feeling so much as tipsy.

I’m not an alcoholic, but by the time I was 18 my friend’s mum had a bucket in her garage with my name on it, and she fondly dubbed me Queen of Chunder.

I’m not an alcoholic, but I don’t remember any Freshers events at University that didn’t end up with somebody phoning my then-boyfriend to carry me home.

I’m not an alcoholic, but my family has seen me hungover so often that I’d receive genuine congratulations and surprise on any Sunday I could stand up straight.

I cannot count the number of times I’ve said the words ‘I’m not an alcoholic, but’. To hazard a guess, I’ll say upwards of 150.

‘I’m not an alcoholic, but’ was the phrase that excused me. I’m a heavy drinker, but it’s all good fun. Alright, I might cause a bit of chaos, but it’s because I’m so lively and social!

Each and every time I said I wasn’t an alcoholic, I was pushing something away. I was trying to focus on something else.

‘I’m not an alcoholic, but’ was me staring out the window, not acknowledging or facing the problem because the potential reaction terrified me.

‘I’m an alcoholic’. That set me free.

Have you ever waved at a kid on a bus? 

I haven’t, but for the sake of my metaphor, I’m going to make the assumption that they’re not as scary as I’ve made them up to be.

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Just over five weeks ago, I admitted to my partner, my family, my friends and finally, myself, that I have a problem with alcohol.

I admitted that it's time to give it up.

I can’t think of many other decisions I’ve made in my life that have been so unquestionably right.

It isn’t going to be easy by any means, but it’ll be easier than crawling to the toilet to throw up at 6am. Easier than waking up to the gut-wrenching realisation that I started a meaningless argument with my boyfriend the night before. A lot bloody easier than worrying and hurting the people that love me because I prioritised beer over looking after myself.

This blog is going to be a space to document this journey, along with everything else I am excited about. Feel free to follow along if you’re interested, or nosy (I would be) or curious about alcohol-free life.

Cheers!🥂