Where do you learn how to make friends?
Everything I know, I learnt from Friends.
As in the TV show.
Unfortunately, in real life it's not quite as easy to spend all day, every day in a coffee shop and wait for zany cameo characters to come in and drop a funny one-liner.
I'm sure they would absolutely mind me saying this, but I'm also sure they won't read this anyway. Growing up, I didn't see my parents nurturing many real friendships.
My dad has blokes he chats to the pub, but I doubt he knows their hopes, dreams or surnames.
My mum is the woman from whom I learnt my absolute phobia of small talk. I wouldn't describe her as shy, I think she is a textbook introvert and was much happier playing in the woods with her kids than spending time in the boring adult world.
She did have a group of friends for a while who I remember fondly, but her closest friends are the four women she gave birth to, and that suits her very well.
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This meant, however, that I've grown up not only incredibly introverted, but painfully shy too. I found my first group of friends aged 11 and have basically clung on to them since.
Though the more extraverted members of the crew managed to introduce a few extra pals here and there, I went through the entirety of school, sixth form and even 2 years at University without really figuring out how to talk to people that weren't already established as acquaintances at the very least.
That was of course, unless I had my secret antidote to shyness: alcohol. But that's an entirely different, much bigger problem that I'll get into another day, and either way, my relationship with booze is firmly over.
It was only when I was in my twenties I found myself making friends completely independently. Some of the friendships I made were fleeting, some I believe are lifelong and one (rather important one) bloomed into sickeningly sweet romantic love.
As much as I struggle to pin-point how these friendships came to be, they did somehow. So, how do you make friends in your twenties, you ask?
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Work in hospitality
Starting off with an incredibly unhelpful tip here. If you don't already work in hospitality, I don't suspect you'll make the switch just to find somebody to join you at the cinema. But if you're in your early twenties and have been looking to make money on the weekends anyway, a job in a pub, bar, restaurant or in my case, coffee shop, is one of the best ways to find people you'll gel with. Hospo folks come from all walks of life, you can find friends no matter your age and unless you're spectacularly unlucky, you're bound to at least be on talking terms with somebody.
In education? Join a club
For me, joining the Student Media Society at University was a lifeline. I didn't live in halls at uni, I made one close friend from the beginning and then didn't attempt to make any more. This made my life quite dull when said friend was whisked away for a semester abroad. Luckily, I'd been a very enthusiastic creative and had been involved in the student magazine, where through common interests and hard work, I found a group of people for me.
Make social media actually social
If, like me, you're that charming mix of introverted and shy, you might tend build your life around not having opportunities to meet new people. Hobbies include reading and late nights playing the Sims. But no matter what you have convinced yourself, the opportunities are there, and they are plentiful. Download Bumble BFF and actually meet people from there. Find events you're interested in going to, like museum exhibitions, comedy nights or music gigs, then head online and find the communities of people who will be there. Facebook groups are great for this, but there are also dedicated apps like NextDoor (although I'd say you might find a slightly older crowd there).
Don't!
It's such an old cliche, but friendships are absolutely about quality over quantity. A year or so ago, I was complaining to a therapist about how I struggled to make new friends at work, while making time for my family, boyfriend and existing friends. She asked me why making new friends was such a priority for me, and I had nothing. It can feel like when you're young, there's this quota of Good Times, nights out and meaningful late night phone calls you have to fulfill. There's not. If you enjoy a movie night by yourself more than bottomless brunch, skip the brunch.
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